Cry of The Lost volume 1: Questions

Are we ever as broken as we sometimes feel? I pray that I am not. For if I am, then what hope do I have? The world feels as if it’s going to swallow me whole and there is nothing I can do to contain these ideas of dispair and lost hope. Am I doomed to always roam the streets at night alone? The darkness becoming my only shoulder to lean on? When I cry out to God to wrap His arms around me will He hear me? Will He hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright? Will He tell me that there is nothing to worry about since I am in His hands? Oh God, please do not leave me to dwell in my own suffering. Please do not allow me to climb back inside my own darkness, my own mind. How strong is my faith? When someone has me at gun point and tells me I have to shun God or be shot, what will I choose? Will I choose the path to physical salvation or will I choose the path of eternity? Will I fall to my knees and beg a man not to pull the trigger? Or will I fall to my knees and beg my Savior to deliver me?

When I’m down on the ground with my eyes closed and my head lowered, when Im speaking to God, I pray that i ask for what should be asked for. That I pray for what should be prayed for. My own selfishness sometimes makes that goal become a burden. Every breath I take is a gift from Him and to many times I take that for granted.

It pains me to see so many of God’s children turned away from those who swear to love God. I sit here and question those people. I become disgusted with them. I think to myself, how can you claim to love Jesus yet go against what He stood for by showing hatred? And yet, am I any better then they are? Do I not also make snap judgments about those who I don’t even know? My conceitedness and my self doubt are in constant battle. Am I really that great of a person? Of course I am. Do I deserve it when good things happen to me? Probably not.

Am I ever as broken as I feel? I pray that I’m not. The sun rising gives me hope. If God is so powerful that He can make it light and he can make it dark, and I am in his care, then no matter what happens to me He is with me. So while I walk down this path of darkness, this path of dispair, this path of lost hope, He is right there. Walking beside me. Lighting the path so I don’t stub my toes, unless it be from my own clumsiness. And no matter how hard I shout at Him, no matter how much I curse Him, no matter how long I cry and question His existence, He is still with me. Why God? Why do You insist on not giving up on me when I have done so already? There are so many out there who are better then me, who are smarter, stronger, beautiful, more talented, even more faithful. Why don’t You just leave me be……

Because it’s not You. You do not abandon. You will NEVER abandon. So even when I wish for an abortion of me, You will hold me. You will be there. You love me. While I feel this darkness consuming me, I am grateful that I can see Your light flickering in the distance. I am grateful that You will guide me to the light, and that when it is Your time I know that I will see everything, as if day has been brought upon me. Thank You Lord, for without You I would be forever lost.

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One Response to “Cry of The Lost volume 1: Questions”

  1. Sonya Says:

    I am glad that you can see God’s light! So many times we feel so unqualified, but that is who God wants! He calls the unqualified and makes them qualified! He takes all our brokenness and despair and makes it into something beautiful. The trials and periods of darkness that we go through in our lives are only temporary. It is during those times that we tend to reach more upward because we have no other place to reach. We realize that God is the only one. He is in control We can not depend on ourselves. God will use you in ways you never imagined. Don’t be afraid to let go. Go along on the ride. God will take you to some amazing places!! He will take that cloud of darkness and cast it aside. Allow God to use you! Don’t hold back!

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